Attractions

Are YOU Interested?

So recently I signed into Facebook and was going about my normal business, when I noticed beneath my ticker that I had 169 requests from some app called “Are YOU Interested?” 

Having no recollection of ever adding this app to my Facebook (I generally hate FB apps) I decided to see what the hell it was.

The app is exactly what you’d imagine it is: a way for people to meet other people in a totally non-creepy, non-predatory fashion of monotonously clicking through pages and pages of random people’s pictures and filtering through which ones are “hot” or not. You also have the option to send messages and “winks” and such. 

I decided to check out my list of interested suitors… 

Here’s the first eligible bachelor on my list. I’m not really feeling a love connection just yet, but there is one thing pretty attractive about this photo.

My interest is piqued by this man’s exotic name. I found myself asking two questions: 1. Is there really a Mohawk, MI? and 2. WHAT THE FUCK IS ON YOUR STOMACH.

Speaking of mohawks…….. oh.

It’s really nice to be sought after by a family man such as this. Unfortunately I don’t think I make enough as a 19 year old female to support you or your two whale children, sorry.

Is this real life? You are a 21 year old adult male. What the god damn shit christ are you doing taking pictures with an Elmo doll? And where ARE you? Are you in a fucking tunnel? Get out of here.

I know that look. That look says, “Hello, my name is Shelby, the ginger nightstalker. At night I stare at your private profile and imagine erotically asphyxiating you with my laced window drapes.”

I don’t know what a “Delorenzo” is but HOLY FUCK YOU HAVE A LAMP GROWING OUT OF YOUR HEAD. 

Jefferiah, don’t you fucking lie to me. No way in hell Are YOU Interested. I don’t know which one you are but between the two of you I can’t tell who’s more gay.

I also received a few requests from some motor vehicles and a dog. I’ve always wanted to date a bulldozer!

Not all of my potential matches were total losers, however. I actually caught the attention of some celebrities!

Steve Buscemi

Pitbull

Eddie Murphy

And even that Jewish guy from Law & Order: SVU! 

Between all of these award-winning faces, it was pretty tough to choose my one and only soul mate, but after careful deliberation, I finally decided. 

FUCK. YES. My heart just swells right up when I imagine our life together. I hit “Yes” as a reply and even sent a wink. I tried to send a gift but I didn’t have enough credits. I hope he can see past my lack of Facebook credit wealth. 

All in all, I’ve learned that Are YOU Interested? is a great app for meeting sexy singles, bested only by Craigslist’s “Missing Connections”.